My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
