3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
