The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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