if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The best revenge is premature balding
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
