im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
