Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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