i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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