someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
