my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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