Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just pynch a tree in the face
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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