I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
