Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
