I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
