If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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