He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think I sprained my soul last night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
