when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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