Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
