They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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