I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
