someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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