So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
