He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
