If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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