Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
