Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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