Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
