Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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