wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
