he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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