you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
