He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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