I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
