The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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