Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
