I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
