Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
