Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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