I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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