At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
