She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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