she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
