I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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