so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
