my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
