I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
