next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
