The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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