This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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