I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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