I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
