I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
