bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
