He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
