M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
