At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
