sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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