I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
