I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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