hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
