You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
