omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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