my phone needs a breathalizer
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
