I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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