So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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