In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is Oprah even human
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize