May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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